dull_brightness

happy thanksgiving.

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 17:30:25 GMT

I feel like I'm an outsider on every single angle; friends, family...everything.

But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 14:39:00 GMT

Wow. So I really haven't updated in months. I honestly forgot about this thing. I guess that means I have to fill you in, right? Hah, it's not like anyone reads these things anyway. I guess it's just something for me, right? I don't know. Soo...to start off. It's in the morning and I just felt like I needed to write an entry. I'm /just/ fine. Hah. Anyway, so today's going to be boring, allll day to do nothing and then work. So, yeah. Okay, let's get something start, actually, alot of things start. First off, I'm so sick of my 'best' friends completely avoiding me for something they can't control. Sure, put your opinion into it, but that doesn't mean you have to treat me differently. As far as I'm concerned, I've always been the third wheel. I'm always the easiest to drop, and the easiest to put things on. Because I care to fucking much. I hate that about myself. I care too much, and then I get blamed for everything. I apologize way to much, especially for things that I've never done. I apologize for other peoples mistakes. Seriously, I'm always screwed over. And I hate that. Don't you fucking tell me that I've never cared enough about you. And then you go off and tell me that I'm completely annoying? Get a FUCKING grip. You want me to care, but then I'm annoying. Dear, it can't go both ways, alright? I cared as much as a best friend can. I tried. I called you bawling on the phone, I called to see how you were doing. I texted you, I messaged you, I emailed you, I did everything in my power to see what's been going on. I guess what really pisses me off is the fact that you lied to me and hid things from me, when I did nothing of the sort to you. I understand some of it, but the others? GUH. You want people to care about you and how you're not fine. I DID. HOW can I show that to you? You took for granted all the times that I never let you down. UGH. And grr. This whole relationship? Pff, doll, I'm just so tired of talking to you for only two days out of the week and then being left alone for 3, 5, 345346 days. Where's the relationship there? I just don't get it. Are you just assuming that I'll always be there to wait for you? You want to be different. You told me all of the things that I wante to hear, and yet, you just leave me for days on end? And it's just like that. No, this isn't marriage. I understand that you have friends, school work, work, and everything else. But can't you atleast find two mintues? I don't get it. I try to find every way I can to talk to you. Hell, I've given up on leaving messages because I have no idea if you get them anymore or not. Do you even care? GOD. I just want someone to put me together. I just want someone to care about MY feelings, MY life, MY heart. NO ONE DOES. You say I complain to much about my problems? FUCK you. I listen to your mouth ALL the damn time. I can't even keep a relationship going, freindships, screw that. My house? Don't even comment. My house life is so fucking screwed up, you have no idea. I want to the confidence that Nikkie has. I want to be best friends again. I'm so sick of this on going anger thing. I looked out for you, that's what I was doing. And you got mad. I'm so SICK of putting MYSELF in front of everyone else. Like yesterday, my friend Ashley, her dad isn't the nicest. He came storming into school yesterday, IN the classroom, screaming at her. She started just...crying. x.x I flipped. I lost it. I stood up and started screaming back. AND ABOVE THAT, she stays with this asshole who doesn't treat her right. He hit her yesterday, AFTER her dad caused a scene. She was at her locker, and I saw the bruise. No lie, I threw my books down and stormed down the hallway. -_- I'm not in good shape after that. He's on OSS with a bloody nose and I've got detention for like two days. :] Yeah, not fair? That's what they gave me. So, next time you want to accuse me for being selfish? Think again. I'd die for Branden, but..he just drops me for dayss. It's like before. It's like Wes. JESUS, can't I find ANYONE that ISN'T like Jered, but has the decency to care enough? UGH. This is a long entry. And I hope ALL of you read it. I hope you all are happy with this and your actions. It probably won't change them because if you don't care enough the first time, it's going to take alot to make you care the second time. I guess there's always another wound to discover.

Prelude to the [end]

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 21:20:06 GMT

As the hairs on the gently woven cello bow cascade across the tight strings of D and G, a melody compiles towards itself. Gently singing it's self in a mocking, but beautiful way towards the ears of those willing to listen. Those that have no choice but to listen to the notes that make out what they truly feel as the chords and the half notes are written in thin air. Prelude composed by Bach, who lived in the romantic period of music and way of living, knew the notes that touched our very hearts, if not souls. He beautifully mastered many instruments, the least favorite, but most beautiful souding instrument, the cello, captured many ears with the debute of the sheeted music, "Prelude". Others know Fur Elise, a wonderful piece written for the piano, considered the most romantic insturment, along with the violin. But what many do not know is the thoughts that are created and played with these instruments. Of course, music is a matter of living, we live it everyday, humming, writing poetry, even reading is considered a musical way of living. Painting and writing the thoughts that race through our minds at nothing more than the speed of light. Music would be the only thing that'd be left on this earth if all was quiet. It's a way of listening to words that cannot be spoken aloud or silently. It's a way to express, feel saddness, love, anger, dispair, sorrow, joy, pleasure. These things that are taken for granted, when all that is being done is a song being played over and over and over again to get the right time, the right rhyrhym, the right notes that portray the expressions that speak to our minds. It's the only silent thing on this earth that still plays louder than ever.

Someone had asked me a few days ago, if love was a 'magical' feeling. Whether you believe it is or not, is ultimatly up to you, but on my account, this is my opinion.

There is nothing magical in the word love, nor in the feeling. It just doesn't happen because we wish for it, or we smack our heels together and say it three times. It just is. It's everything that we want, that we need. Love is the only feeling that we allow to become a part of our hearts and our souls. It simply is to be. Love is what makes us stronger, what weakens us in times that we need to be shown that being bold isn't everything that possibly needs be. Creating laughter when all the tears are falling down because of a tragedy. Patient and kind. It knows no jealous, for jealous is the sister of greed and love surely knows nothing of greed. The roughest, toughest, hardest person that was created by and unkindly 'love' still allows it to find them. We, as humans, allow to find us even when we know nothing of what we want or need. It's the monster that so many fear that lays beneath our beds. Lettng it in ourselves makes it easier, pushing it back, time and time again, only fuels love more. Searching, never giving up until it find that crack under the door and slides itself right in. Capturing you, slowly, surely, until finally it drowns you in it's selflesness. Love is made by God. Ignore it and you shall suffer like you cannon imagive. When it finds you, be forwarned how many itemized gifts it will bring. Fights, cherished moments, laughter, tears of joy and sorrow, some..broken hearts. But, in the end of this long prelude, it only makes us stronger. Until, once again, it's ready to find us again. And /that/ is the true music in this world. It's never lost in battles or wars, greed and tyranny. There will always be two people never afraid to fall, and a whole world afraid to hold on.

I wrote this entry for a purpose and a reason. Many that know me, I always have a reason to sound so stellar like this. But, this time, it calls for something awesome. And I did it. I think. Anyway, this entry is dedicated to an extremely meaningful person that I just so happen to know. Months ago, it seemed my world came crashing to the foregrounds of what seemed to be a complete devistation. Since that day, fear guarded me. I stopped trusting people, even know, I take great caution in trusting new faces that lurk about in the world I step into. It seems now, it slowly walks itself away, I no longer fear as much as I used too. Trusting, of course is an issue with new faces and some old, but with him, I no longer need to worry about such a silly thing. It seems that I can trust him with everything. And maybe one other, I can actually do that with. He has been the only guy in my life, besides my dad, that I feel I cant /actually/ trust. Trust with him with my [whole] heart. And that's a big step for me, which surprisingly came so, not fast, but steady? Maybe. Not so sure, it just happened. And I guess that's the way it's supposed to be. He makes me /so/ happy, it's unbelievable. I never though anything could make me happy again. /Really/, /really/ happy. There's so much more, that I'd like to say, but, it's so /hard/ to write them all down when everything just seems to be falling into place, the /right/ way this time. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I love you too, Branden. =] More than anything in the world. And this time, it feels like I don't have to say it out of 'force', pursay. I say it because I /want/ too, and it's the only three words that can fill in all of those words that I can't say. You make me /so/ happy, and I thank you again and again for making my life the best. I never thought it'd be this way, and it happened. It /actually/ happened and I can't thank you enough. You are, by far, the /best/ person in the world. =]

Stil wanna be my penguin?

<333

Blankness in a creative world.

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 22:33:28 GMT

Well, I guess you could say, things went fine today. The new manager seems to know what he's doing, and I may actually learn something. Besides, with Tim, it wasn't quite like that...at all. We just semi-worked and learned nothing. But, anyway, we're planning on visiting him next weekend, at his place. So, mhmm. Haven't talked to Branden nor Nikkie...[sighs;shrugs]Oh well. I will myself not to raise my hopes, but in the end, they still get damaged. I /hate/ that. I just don't get how us, as humans, can make ourselves get less hopeful, everyday, but still get damaged in the end? Is it because we inenvertantly hope for the best because we have too? Or is it just human nature to rise and destroy? It isn't their fault they haven't been on, but I just hate feeling like I've been left in the dust...again. My ex and a billion other people just go about, and used me. Because I'm the nice one, always giving people a chance, always. Never getting angry, never being selfish. News flash! I'm sick of getting trampled on. My ex, he's just a low down loser who obviously didn't have his balls in the right pocket or he'd grow them and call me. x_x He just...ugh...he was just very...erm...girly? XD Yup, that's it, girly. He said he had cared about me, loved me, bla bla bla bla bla. And then turns around and tell /his/ cousin that basically i was a waste of /his/ precious time, and I wasn't worth a damn to him. It's not the fact that I'm not with him anymore, which I'm glad. I was just sinking slowly and in the end it was hard to climb out, but I did, but anyway. I just get so pissed off that I let him use me, when I had /so/ many doubts about his actions. And the silly thing was...they were correct. He cheated me one time, that I know of, but I know there has been countless times that he has. He's lied. Pushed aside. And broken my heart, which /is/ an easy target. I just hate people like that. And I know every single person on this earth is like in some way, shape, or form. But, I just /love/ how he wanted to use me and tell all his little pop star wanna-be cowboys that he had another girl in another state. Bull shiittt. You come and drag your little arse up here, and you'll see how orribly this little chick in her state will treat you. [smirks] You low down loser, go befriend an ass. Ha, who am I kidding, you're already looking like one more everyday. [shrugs]Ohwell. Anyway, haven't seen my horse in a few days, been working on college stuff, job stuff and just nothing, period. It's been unbelieveable hot here, so riding time is slim and I hardly have time. And when i do, it's in the evenings or the afternoons when the sun isn't quite down and the heat is worse than ever. And then when school starts again, wish me luck even showing my face there /once/ a week. Heh, I'msolame. Anyway, I'm just....my emotions are going on a train wreck at the moment...ha..what a surprise. I can't handle anything. I'm the weakest person you'll ever meet, but /what/ever.

Save us...

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 23:13:04 GMT

Alright, well, I decided to create one of these things. Finally, I guess. Hah. Maybe it'll help with the day to day doings. Anyway, getting back to the consequences of creating a 'journal', I must post a reasonable entry, for fellow...'peers' will be reading this. x_x Woah, I sound so..intelligent. Hokay, anyway. We'll just start with a new paragraph, shall we?

So, today basically...sucked. I went to work and..well..worked. Sadly, today was the last day for my manager and we'll be getting a new dude, he's coming tomorrow. Eh...I don't think I'll like him. All of you who know me, I usually hate you, before I get to know you. Or I'll just shove you off, like something I disown. Anyway, I hate to see Tim leave and all, but I'm just sick of working there. I mean, come ON people, stocking fruit and veggies? Listening to everyone gab and gab out this or that. I'm sick of it. The people there don't know how to keep things to themselves. They're like a bunch of old women sitting and talking about old men. But sometimes it's switched. I'm just so sick of gossip, drama, everything. My boss, err..manager, is nice to me, acts like I'm doing a good job with what I'm working on. BUT, I found out from MY cousin, whom works with me, that HE ; Tim, wanted to write me up for <i>not</i> working well enough. Routating, whatever. Well, excuse me, mister, I've worked my ass off for you, for the past year to save YOUR ass from being wiped off the slate. So, as you can see, it's not really a bad thing that he's leaving. He acts like I'm just great, then goes behind my back and say I suck? Heh, that's like everyone else. I'm so sick of people just...ugh..spilling EVERYTHING out to me, and I'm still trying to manage my own problems. I mean, come one guys, I love to listen and give advice, but SOMETIMES, MY problems matter the most to me at the moment, and I need to deal with them. Sometimes, I need to just sit down, and just let the things that matter most, cloud my head. I can't help that shit happens in your life. But I'm done putting myself in front of others that don't even care. I get screwed over, so MANY times, I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm afraid to believe my friends, I'm afraid to believe my boyfriend because of what some ass did to my heart. He broke it...made me believe in lies that only existed in my fantasy. I'm just so...a mess these days. I can't..deal with it. And then...I hate myself for doing this, but Nikkie, whose completely AWESOME, and stuck with me through EVERYTHING, which now I realize it...Sorry Nikkie, if and when I treated you like shit...told me she'd be back on later, I was like ok, I'll just wait up because I'll probably get to talk to Branden. Who is the most AMAZING person EVERRR. Well, I took my laptop to bed with me. XD..yeah, so I could lay there and wait for him to sign on, so well anyway, I turned the volume up REALLY loud so I could hear it, just in case I fell asleep...well..I did..and I didn't hear the damn noise...IHATEMYSELFFORFALLINGASLEEP. I didn't sleep in two days because of just..plan..worries and stress and thoughts. And then after I saw his messages...I didn't sleep at all...I just..ugh...he has alot of shit going on, and seriously guys, you have it <i>way</i> better than he does, and he deserves WAY more credit than any of you, including me do. He's just so amazing and awesome and yeah..Ilikehimlots. ^^ Anywho, I completely hate myself..I haven't talked to him in a day, and it's k i l l i n g me! Yeah..I'mlame, I know. ButWHATever. So's....yeah...ugh...and this stupid cold..I've had it for THREE weeks..and it won't go away. I took medicine..went to the doc's...took more anti's and yeah...nothing. Anyway...Idon'tknowwhatelsetosay...uhm...The End? Yup..theend.